It was never enough
by uncommon love
Summary: Playing games wasn't as funny as it used to be. She made him happier than he had been so far, he tried to change, he did his best and it was never enough - a House & Cuddy post-break up fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N** : It's my first fanfiction in English, I hesitated a lot before publishing it, I hope it's readable and the ~ possible ~ grammar mistakes won't hurt your eyes. The story takes place after House & Cuddy ~ stupid, OOC, I-am-so-bitter-I-could-scream ~ break up, let's say it takes place after Momma Cuddy's try to get them back together. _

_I do not own any HOUSE character, Shore does. If I did, they would be having sex like horny bunnies everywhere, all the time and I wouldn't regret anything. And Taub ~ also known as the hairy dawrf with a big nose ~ won't have this insane amount of screentime. _

_Enjoy & review if you feel like reviewing - Tell me if I should write another chapter xx_

**It was never enough **

House was so freaking damn drunk, he didn't even know where he was or if he could even make his way to the bedroom. He used to drink from time to time but never that much, not even when one of his favorite soap operas had been canceled and God knows, he loved this damn show. If he was sober he would have laughed at himself - this pathetic jerk, smelling alcohol, fighting the need to throw up at every hiccup that made him slightly jump up... Although, he didn't pop any Vicodin that night, he would have overdosed, he knew he would and nothing nor nobody would have saved him. To be honest, he didn't quite remember why he started drinking in the first place, boredom wasn't an excuse and as much as he loved Scotch, getting wasted that way wasn't the most awesome feeling ever. Truth be told, he felt numb and almost painless. Truth be told, he still felt miserable and he didn't understand why. Why once the pain gone away didn't he feel better ?

He tried to sit up but failed, his head fell back on the couch and everything went dark. No light, no hope, nothing. He was asleep.

_Look at you idiots, who else is going to put up with either of you ?_

Arlene Cuddy had to torment him in his dreams, as if dealing with her in real wasn't enough. He mumbled. House did understand her not-so-evil plan from the beginning while her own daughter was clueless all along and he didn't know how to take it. Sure Cuddy and him needed to talk seriously about their issues, his ex not mother-in-law had a point but things weren't that easy. They were both extremely stubborn and extremely hurt by the break up. There wasn't any reconciliation ahead, Cuddy made it pretty clear. He didn't have to be forgiven for being who he was, did he ?

That night he dreamed about her, about them, about what they had been through and for the first time in such a long time, tears ran down his face and he cried himself to sleep.

**xxx**

House woke up insanely late this Tuesday morning, he felt dizzy, obviously dealing with a massive hangover and he wished he could bang his head against the wall to make this _fucking _headache go away. Slowly pulling himself together, he sat up massaging his leg absentmindedly and winced once he smelt the disagreeable scent of alcohol mixed up with vomit coming from his shirt. He was about to take some Vicodin when his phone rang, the ring tone almost painful to hear for someone with a Goddamn migraine. He reached out and picked up, clearing his throat before talking.

" I'm fine, I'm not suicidal, not drunk, not stoned, you can hang up and team up with Cuddy's mom – Wait, we're not getting back together. Get over it."

"You didn't show up to work, I was about to assume you overdosed" Wilson sighed. "I didn't know Arlene wanted to sue you on purpose, we didn't go to secret meetings together or whatever your crazy mind made up."

" Your call is purely useless, not to mention I was supposed to watch-

" House. You need to confront her."

" As much as I enjoy the idea of staring at Cuddy's perky breasts while she yells at me... Not gonna happen." He popped a pill and swallowed it dryly. " She doesn't want us to reconcile, I'm fine with that"

" Avoiding your issues won't fix anything, it will eventually make them get worse. You won't get over her."

"I'm so much better without her."

"Said the man who drank the whole night." His best friend replied ironically. " You're being an idiot and we both know you're smarter than that. You have been clean for two years !"

"I got bored so I told myself, why not popping Vicodin from time to time ?"

" If you're not at work this afternoon, I will come over and …. I will come over"

House could easily picture Wilson's expression at that exact moment and he let out a chuckle, standing up and slowly making his way to the bathroom.

" Alright Jimmy boy, I knew you couldn't live without me."

" House, behave..."

He rolled his eyes and hung up, throwing his phone on a pile of clothes before getting naked. He would never admit his best friend was right about his need to have a serious talk with Cuddy. Playing games wasn't as funny as it used to be. She made him happier than he had been so far, he tried to change, he did his best and it was never enough. House sighed and grabbed the soap. She never gave him a real chance. She was scared, he was scared, maybe they weren't ready yet, maybe she shouldn't have saved him that day...

He didn't even dare telling his best friend he wasn't in Princeton anymore, he wouldn't go to work today nor tomorrow. He booked a hotel the day before, got drunk and forgot where he was, not caring about the consequences of his behavior. Nobody would worry anyway, nobody would look after him, he was way better alone and miserable.

He finally stepped out of the shower after a while, pulled on his boxers, massaged his aching leg and reached for his phone again. Should he call a hooker ? He shook his head, he could deal with his sexual needs on his own, he didn't need anyone anymore. He painfully swallowed two pills and threw his phone away, wincing in pain. House was hurting like never before, the physical pain increasing along with the emotional one and he wondered how he was still alive. He would rather die than ask for help, his leg was his own issue and he was the only one that could understand how bad it hurt. He sat on the cold bathroom floor and closed his eyes. If he had to rank his pain, it would have been a 8. He barely heard his phone ringing somewhere in the room and tried to sit up, unsuccessfully.

"You have nothing House, nothing." These few words were the last ones he thought about before passing out. She wouldn't be his savior. He was alone.

**TBC **


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N** : Thanks everyone for the reviews and the kind words. I must admit I wasn't sure if I should continue this fanfiction, Lisa's exit broke me down to be honest but well in my head Huddy is endgame. _

_Review if you feel like reviewing ;)_

xxxxxx

"Do we have a pulse ?"

The young hotel groom looked up at his colleague and nodded, his fingers wrapped around the unconscious man's wrist. For the first time since he started working at the _Chicago City_ hotel, things were getting exciting, he didn't get to deal with a medical emergency every day.

"What are those pills ? Drugs ? Do you think he overdosed ?" He shrugged, he didn't know anything about medicine, drugs and pills, all he knew was that people got sick, took pills, got cured or die, nothing more. His colleague sighed in relief when the doctor he had called joined them in the little bathroom, this man laying on the cold floor , obviously needed help, a professional help.

xxxxxx

_Princeton Plainsboro – 5:35 pm._

Lisa Cuddy was reading medical reports when her office door got opened and a breathless Wilson, who seemed to have run a marathon, came over. He took a deep breath and stood awkwardly, his hands grabbing the back of the chair in front of him. She frowned, waiting for him to start talking.

"He's gone."

She set her papers aside, bit her lower lip and looked up at her oncologist. He didn't even need to tell her _who_ was gone. She knew.

"He's probably getting wasted somewhere in a luxurious hotel, having sex with a bunch of prostitutes, spending all his money-

"Cuddy" He sighed loudly, slightly annoyed at her statement. "His apartment is a mess, he doesn't pick up his phone and should I mention he skipped work ? Because you don't seem to care."

" House is fine, he's always fine..."

" Then you might be surprised to find out he passed out in a bathroom somewhere in Chicago and the Northwestern Memorial Hospital called me twenty minutes ago..."

" oh God." Cuddy covered her mouth with her hand, feeling a wave of guilt rushing through her body. What did House do to end up in a hospital ? Was he okay ? Was it her fault ?

" Dr. Jerickson is taking care of his case, they put him on morphine, he's stable but I'm afraid he is going to refuse to get the help he needs once he wakes up. You know how stubborn House is, he would ratter die in pain than admitting he needs help"

"Is that your way of asking me to fly to Chicago and come to his rescue ?"

Wilson rolled his eyes, waving his hand before Cuddy's eyes.

" See, that's the problem, you keep wanting to avoid him, you keep telling yourself he's not worth fighting for and you know it's not the truth. You love him, he needs you. Do the math Cuddy."

" Rachel..." She whispered, massaging her temples.

" Call your babysitter, take some days off and try to fix what you... he has done."

" It does sound like a plan to make me get back to House... if it happens to be a plan, I quadruple your clinic hours and move your parking place so far away your legs will be hurting from walking too much."

" I'll be waiting for your call from Chicago, I asked Dr. Jerickson to keep me updated " He pulled a note from his pocket and handed it to a puzzled Dean of Medicine. " I noted various flight schedules and hotels' phone numbers, you can forget the _Best Western Chicago _hotel, their desserts are not eatable..."

" Why don't you go there ?"

" Don't make me get mad at you Cuddy..."

She nodded, nervously tugging at her necklace. She hated knowing House was alone in pain in a hospital bed and as much as she was still mad at him, she didn't want him to wake up to no one.

" Okay. I'll do it. As a friend."

She stared at her hands for a while, not noticing Wilson was long gone. She didn't want to tear herself away from her daughter, even for a week, Rachel became her source of comfort since her break up with House. Every time she felt like crying, she spent time with the toddler, letting her sleep in her bed and snuggle up against her chest. She was too young to understand the situation but she perfectly understand her mother was sad and someone was missing. She liked House, he wasn't cuddly or friendly but he played with her, read her books from time to time, watched Sponge Bob and pirate cartoons with her and she felt safe. Now he was gone, she wasn't sad, she was curious and somehow angry – angry like a 3 years old could be . Cuddy remembered the day Rachel teared up as she stared at her breakfast. "I want House's magic pancakes." Or this other day, when she refused to let her mother read a certain book before going to bed, it was "Hows and Rachel book" she claimed. Obviously the little girl got attached to the blue-eyed man more than Cuddy knew, she needed a father figure, he wasn't perfect but their bonding satisfied Rachel. Why did everything go wrong ? He accepted her daughter, he accepted their way of life, did she ever accepted him ?

She wiped a tear, she had never given him the opportunity of showing his true colors, she unconsciously forced him to change, repeating to herself she didn't want him to be someone else. She built a wall too strong to protect her feelings and it screwed up their already fragile relationship. She had loved him for more than 20 years and here they were, avoiding and ignoring each other, not even back to square one, it was worse. He did deserve another chance but she couldn't give it to him. Could she ?

"Mommy, why you sad ?"

She blinked, suddenly remembering she was watching a cartoon with her daughter and silently crying.

" I'm fine sweetie. I've had an exhausting day at work" She replied softly, running her fingers through Rachel's brown hair. The toddler frowned, she could easily feel how tense was her mother and she didn't like it. She sat up, crossed her arms against her chest and stared at Cuddy, giving her her most bossy look.

"Rachel, go back to Sponge Bob or I send you to bed."

"But you are sad."

She swallowed and glanced at the ceiling then back at her daughter.

" It's okay. I'm tired... "

" Hows ?"

It was too much, she couldn't hear Rachel mention him anymore, she was hurting, her chest aching. She took a deep breath and stood, picked up her daughter from the couch and hugged her tightly in her arms.

" Time to go to bed sweetheart"

She nodded against her mother's shoulder, she was falling asleep anyway and she wasn't a difficult child, Cuddy didn't get any trouble to put her in bed. She kissed her forehead softly, pulled the sheets over her little frame and switched off the lights. Tomorrow morning she would be gone, it probably was a mistake but she knew Rachel would be safe at Julia's place and it was only for a week...

xxxxxx

"The patient woke up but he refused to eat anything, he also asked for painkillers. I told him he was already on morphine and I assume he didn't like my answer, he wants to see "a real doctor, not a monkey in a lab coat who pretends to know medicine."

Dr. Jerickson sighed, taking the file from his intern, Gregory House's jerky behavior was an all known subject but the man was also a respected crazy genius and he had to focus on the second part of the diagnostician personality.

He entered the room and introduced himself, he got royally ignored but didn't bother mentioning it, it didn't matter.

"How is your leg ?"

"Fucking hurting." He grumbled. " Give me Vicodin."

" It won't help you, the pills ease the pain but they don't fix the initial issue. If you want to get better, you have to seriously do something about your leg. Have you ever tried physical therapy ?"

"A muscle is missing. Nothing to do about it."

" I called Dr. Wilson, he told me you've been clean for almost two years then relapsed, I can get you an appointment with one of our best therapists and-"

" Oh please " House rolled his eyes, visibly annoyed. " I already detoxed at least twice, I tried "happiness" and I ended up even more miserable. I need Vicodin."

" You won't get any as long as you are my patient, I'll warn the nurses and every single employee of this hospital, I'll hire security guys if I have to. I promised Dr Wilson I would help you, I owe him."

"I'll make your life a living Hell, I'll be the most annoying patient you've ever had."

"You can still try but we both know I'm right..." Jerickson sighed as he left the room, it wouldn't be the easiest medical case he had ever taken care of...

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N** : I thought I would be able to update sooner but real life kept me busy lately and I'm sorry for the delay :) I hope House & Cuddy aren't OOC, I try to keep them in character even though it might get fluffy ~ more than planned ~ because I need some fluffyness in my life especially after the season finale and all its crap..._

_Thank you for the sweet reviews and as always I apologize for my ~ possible ~ grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language, I wish I could do better._

_Enjoy _

_xoxo_

* * *

><p><strong>chapter 3<strong>

By the time Jerickson disappeared in his office, House had succeeded in making his way out of the room. He was hardly limping, growling at every step but he couldn't care less, he had this stupid goal in mind, he had to leave the hospital. He stopped in the hallway, panting. Two nurses – obviously hired by Jerickson to watch him, grabbed the cranky doctor by his arms, he didn't even fight, he was too weak...

xxxxxx

"You can't see him, I'm sorry"

Cuddy gasped, she was coming from Princeton to see House and she_ would _see House.

"Dr. House works in my hospital, I called Dr. Jerickson, I_ have_ to see him."

"He tried to run away, we put him on sedatives, you can't visit this patient unless you got an authorization-

" Listen, I'm a hospital administrator I know how these things work, if you need me to sign any paper of make any call I will. But we can also stop wasting time and you can tell me where I can find my employee. Or is it too much to ask ?"

She slowly crossed her arms against her chest, staring at the nurse with her well-known bossy look, waiting for her to cave. If she was right, it would take less than 5 minutes...

" Alright, second floor, room 215. I would be careful if I was you, sedatives or not, we don't know how these patients can react."

" Trust me I know him and I'll be just fine. Have a good day"

Cuddy sighed, her mind was harassed with questions, why did House try to run away ? What about the sedatives ? Was he okay ? Was his leg okay ? Would he talk to her ?

She shook her head as she reached the door, she had to calm down and go ahead, less thinking more acting.

"I'm fine, I'm not planning on running away anymore." House grumbled, probably convinced Jerickson was the one in the room. She noticed he sounded sleepy which wasn't surprising since there was a significant dose of lorazepam in his system. She felt a wave of guilt rushing through her veins and swallowed hard, nervously pulling a wayward brown lock behind her ear.

"Hi.."

She saw him tense as he heard her voice, he obviously was surprised but didn't answered back, instead he grabbed a pillow and buried his face into it, mumbling.

" House, can you for a second stop acting like a kid and behave like an adult ?" Cuddy bit her lip, she was already attacking him and she knew it wasn't the right thing to do, especially not after what happened. She took a deep breath and moved towards the bed.

" Are you...okay ?" She gently tugged at the pillow, forcing him to look at her. He growled.

" Go home, I don't need you."

She sighed, of course she wasn't naive enough to think he wouldn't be mad at her. But she knew she shouldn't give any credit to his words, he was angry, frustrated and in pain...

" Fine. I'm going to sit right here and wait until you decide to talk to me. You can whine as much as you want I won't leave this room unless I get kicked out which isn't an option actually."

She sat in a chair, grabbed a book from her purse and pretended to read. They played this I-am-totally-ignoring-you game for half a hour until the silence in the room got too awkward to deal with.

House slowly sat up, watching his boss, she was too stubborn to give up and dammit how did she manage to get prettier days after days ? He did his best to ignore the feeling in his chest and coughed to make her understand he was ready to get into a conversation.

"Why are you here ?"

"Wilson told me you overdosed, I wanted to check on you, be sure you were okay..."

" Please Cuddy, you could have called Jerickson, you could have sent anyone else. Why are _you _here ?"

She closed her eyes, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

" You're an important part of my...hospital, I wanted to make sure-

" Cut the crap already, you're not here to check on your hospital's property !"

" Right, I'm here because I _do_ care about you, why is it so surprising in this twisted mind of yours to admit people actually care about your life ? There's no purpose in it, I'm here as a friend, I'm here to help you.."

"I don't need your _fucking_ help !"

He yelled, making his boss jump up at the shock. He wouldn't accept pity of any sort, especially pity from the only woman who meant something to him. A woman he thought was different. He didn't want to be friends with her, she had given up on him, on them while he needed her and they couldn't go back. The anger was still here and it didn't seem to want to go away anytime soon. He blinked, she had to leave, she had to leave him alone, he couldn't stand the sight of her, he couldn't stand her scent, he couldn't stand her voice. The Vicodin was nothing compared to Lisa Cuddy, he was obsessed, he was addicted and he needed her, he needed her too much.

"So that's it ? You refuse to get helped ?"

"I don't want _you _to help me. We're not going to reconcile. Remember ?"

She saw the sadness in his eyes and it hit her, he was still hurting and it was her fault.

"I'm sorry, I should go. I will ask Wilson to come over and I'll go back to Princeton." She firmly grabbed her purse and stood, glancing at his pale face. He looked weak, he was nothing more than the ghost of himself and she better ran away before bursting into tears in front of him.

" You're an idiot."

Cuddy froze.

" Your mother is right, nobody is going to put up on you. You're going to try to move on, you might get a new boyfriend, maybe get married but you'll never be happy. Your fears make you miserable, you hide yourself under this carapace, you lock your issues behind doors, oh boy Cuddy, I'm not the only one who's screwed up in there. Who do you think you can help me if you can't even help yourself ?" His voice was surprisingly softer and she felt her heart beating faster than it was supposed to. " I gave you everything I thought was right for you, I opened up, I bounded with your daughter but it wasn't enough, you needed something more and you've never told me what it was...I'm a moron but I _did _try to make you happy."

" House, we don't need to-

" See, that's the problem, I'm not the only one avoiding some subjects..."

" Why did you take the Vicodin ?"

"Geez Cuddy, I thought you were dying ! It was just one pill, one stupid mistake, are you going to hold it against me for the rest of your life ?"

" I needed you to be with me without the drugs between us _and_... I shouldn't have broken up with you."

He raised an eyebrow, wondering if he hallucinated the words she just said.

" You wouldn't have relapsed if we were still together"

"You know it isn't true, addicts relapse. After one year there is a 85 percent chance of relapse and after two... "

" Of course they did and I tried to ignore that fact for months, I unconsciously wished you would change... House, what did we do to _us_ ?"

" I told you I was the most screwed person in the world, I told you I was going to hurt you, I did. I married a hooker, it must have been the worst thing I could have done to you and I perfectly knew that. I'm a terrible person Cuddy and you're right I can't do better."

She bit her lip, staring at her feet.

" Did you sleep with her ?"

" Is that even matter to you ?" she nodded, he shook his head no. " Couldn't..." She sighed in relief, he frown. " You're... dating anyone ?"

" Of course not."

He smiled weakly then reached down to rub his thigh, wincing at the feeling. The drugs in his system were starting to fade away and the pain wouldn't give him a break once they would be gone. House glanced at Cuddy, she looked concern but didn't make a move, he had to deal with it by himself, it was his leg, his pain, his business.

"Something has to change" He mumbled, staring at the ceiling. "How long do you plan to stay in Chicago ?"

" Is that even matter to you ?"

" Depends on your answer."

He smirked as she tried to hide a grin, oh God he had missed that !

* * *

><p>tbc<p> 


End file.
